[TW: ableist slur] How to apologise

lavender-labia:

The more time I spend on Tumblr, the more I realise that some people just don’t know how to apologise properly. These seems to cause a lot of unnecessary drama and hurt. With that in mind, here is my handy-guide to apologising.

How to apologise:

Say sorry and mean it.

Acknowledge what you did that was wrong.
a) If you don’t know what you did, avoid further interaction until you have figured it out. Ask friends or family for their perspective, or risk asking the person you upset/offended (note: this person doesn’t owe you an explanation but they might take the time and give you one).

Acknowledge why your behaviour/words were wrong.
a) If you don’t know why it was wrong, refer to step 2a.

Acknowledge what you understand of why the other person is so upset.

Promise not to do it again.

Explain the measures you will take to prevent it happening again.

Say sorry again.

Hope the person will forgive you (note: they are under no obligation do so and this should not affect your apology at all).

Learn from the incident (and by this I mean check your privilege and remain aware of that privilege).

Move on with your life and begin implementing measures from step 5.

Make sure measures from step 5 are effective (rinse, lather and repeat).

For example:

“I’m sorry for calling you ‘crazy’. It was wrong of me to use mental health to dismiss what you were saying. It was ableist and, now that I know how much it upsets you, I won’t do it again. I will be sure to learn more about ableism, and I will definitely be more careful of the words I use in future. I’m really sorry and I hope you can forgive me.”

By contrast, this is a terrible apology (never do the bits in bold):

“I’m sorry if you were offended, but there’s no need to be sensitive about it or anything. If you could just calm down you’d realise I didn’t mean to insult you. I use that word all the time and no one else gets upset.